Dear future wife of my current boyfriend,

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I hope this finds you well. I hope you are taking great care of yourself and haven’t given up on waiting for this prince charming whom I’m ‘raising’ for you. First and foremost I would like you to know that your children will not lack school fees. I have ensured that our spending is on the minimum. We do not go to those places that count the number of fries to serve and have their fingers all over the food in the name of arranging it neatly on the plate. We do not go there to have them give us hot wet towels to wipe our hands before and after meals, we use actual water. We go to Mama Awino’s. He saves every month for your unborn children’s  fees. I personally ensure it is done.

I hope you are perfecting your skills in the kitchen. My people believe the kitchen is your territory and you can only allow him in there if he has earned it. In case you ignored your mama’s cooking classes and refused to keep her company in the kitchen, I take this early chance to request you to please go back home and on bended knees, ask for forgiveness and plead that she teaches you. You see, I have taught him how to cook. So much so that I sometimes fear he may surpass his teacher. One thing about people who can cook; they can never stand bad food. Now we do not want his uncles going to your village to claim half the dowry back, do we? Or the worst case scenario him looking for me again when I have already handed him over to you peacefully. I am pleased to inform you that he loves to clean dishes. He has this talent in the sufuria shining department. You never have to worry about your nails for as long as the food is delicious. He loves to have his hands in the kitchen sink. It brings him such joy scrubbing away the grease from pots and pans you will love to watch him.

He prays. He has a relationship with his Creator. I hope you do too. This is where you have to say yes or I may just turn out to be a pain in your armpit. You have to say yes to my being godmother to your children. We have already discussed this at length and he has agreed. You both owe me that much seeing as I will have clearly made you. It will be my pleasure to steer your beautiful children into the right path, you see? He reads . It is my hope that you love this pastime too. You will enjoy reading together or discussing characters and authors later as if you know them in person. If you don’t, my free advice is you start getting used to the idea that you will lose him to his books for the better parts of your weekends and get really angry for you won’t understand the world he will be in.

Now, my intention is not to scare you but ask you to be a little more patient. I am not done with him just yet. I also do not intend to make him come out as so demanding. He is a  great man. Don’t ask why I will step aside. You already know, that there is someone for everyone and this one is not for me to have and keep forever. He is yours. You must not give up. You must wait for him. This is why. He will love you truly. He will be there for you always. He believes in the sanctity of marriage. He is God-fearing and very intelligent. He is the most patient man I know, and I must tell you that I know a lot of men. He is as healthy as healthy husbands come. The looks department may be average but who wants a husband that is too good-looking anyway? You don’t have to worry about fighting over mirror time. He is the perfect gentleman. Too perfect for me; remember what I’ve said about there being someone for everyone? He is totally  yours. You will never have to worry about yours truly; his first and only ex girlfriend.

There are some little things that may unsettle you, but rest assured you will get used to all of it with a little  love. Just to mention but a few, he snores really loudly. It won’t matter if he is just dosing on the couch waiting for lunch, it will just be as loud as when he is tired from twelve hours of work.  He is a certified workaholic who also hasn’t mastered the art of picking after himself, so you will learn in time to collect items of clothing from open spaces in the house. He will speak English to the shamba boy and his mother tongue to people who do not understand it. It will be worse if he has had a little too many of his big boy’s bottle. I will teach you how to deal with his boys so don’t let that bother you. His sisters are adults still growing, ignore them. Be kind to his mother, she may not be as evil as she sounds. The rest I leave for you to discover. I hope you take very good care of yourself for this our husband. I can’t wait to be mama wa keki at your wedding. Till then, I will be here.

With care and concern

Current girlfriend of your future Husband.

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16 Comments

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  1. Hahaha this is hilarious but I wouldn’t waste my time writing her this cos if we never make it with him he definitely wouldn’t be looking for someone like me. Great piece Vera

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  2. I don’t think she would ever want you close to him(ever) after reading this…the way you put it into words,amazing.

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  3. Good piece, this future wife of your current boyfriend should be thanking you by now. You’ve done a great job of nurturing this boy to become a good husband in future.

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  4. haha if this man read this i would suggest he proposes already

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  5. And with all that oh ex to be of my future husband….why oh why are you leaving him? We can’t share?

    Liked by 1 person

  6. When are you leaving this man? Great piece Vera

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  7. Woooow .nice one vera.this is the most humbled piece of writing i have ever read .i will.keep on reading your materials .what great mind you have

    Liked by 1 person

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